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God Awful Movies

Eli Bosnick, Heath Enwright, and Noah Lugeons team up for a weekly attempt to prove that if god existed, his PR couldn't possibly be this bad.
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Mar 29, 2016

On this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces for an atheist review of Kirk Cameron's Mercy Rule; the tale of a scrappy, old-fashioned junkyard owner fighting back against socialized waste removal.  And while it's certainly the least "god" of any movie we've reviewed so far, it's far from the least "awful."

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Mar 22, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath take a field trip to see Miracles From Heaven in the theater on opening weekend.  Red carpet!!!  Eli wore Versace, Noah wore Nike, and Heath wore a smile.  Nobody else was happy.  Join them in this fair and balanced review of a story about how Jesus gives deadly diseases to young children, and why doctors are to blame.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Mar 15, 2016

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath join forces once again to take on the most blissfully ignorant film they've encountered so far.  Join them for an atheist review of A Matter of Faith; a film about a father whose daughter's ignorance is challenged by a college education.  After her biology professor has the audacity to teach true things, instead of dad's favorite fairytales, dad has no choice but to challenge the evolutionist to a debate that nobody thinks he can win.  Because he's wrong.  And he's debating a guy who's right.  And has a PhD.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Mar 8, 2016

On this week's episode, Eli unearths the single craziest piece of batshittery in the history of film.  If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Dois a gratutiously titled red-scare propaganda piece that mixes Christian persecution fetish, cold war paranoia, and baffling inconsistent accents to create the most bizarre cinematic experience we've yet endured.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Mar 1, 2016

This week we meet a movie that's out of our league, but only by a little.  Join Eli, Noah, and Heath as they head out for a field trip and learn how the Jesus story would have played out had it been a buddy cop flick in our atheist review of Risen.

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You should really check out the preview for next week's movie.  It's more insane than you can possibly imagine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7HytrGnnz8

Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Feb 23, 2016

This week, former senior writer for the Onion and current writer for Comedy Central's @Midnight Jocelyn Richard joins us to break down a story about a man and a woman, and that's pretty much it.  This conflictless love story pits master thesbian Ja Rule across from the girl from Cuttin' Da Mustard and generates precisely the kind of onscreen chemistry that casting would suggest.  Join us for a story of love, all-inclusive resort plugs, and unatoned felonies in I'm in Love with a Church Girl.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page.

Feb 15, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah join forces once more to take on a film that snuck just enough god stuff in to make the "faith" category on Netflix.  It's the story of a woman on the hunt for the man who killed her husband, even though the only description she has to work with is "african american male."  So listen in as we desperately try to fill an entire episode with a movie where nothing actually ever happens; Unconditional.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out the band's Facebook page.

Feb 9, 2016

This week, Eli, Heah, and Noah are joined by the hilarious Chelsea Davison to break down a heartwarming story of petty problems, woeful lack of chemistry, and filling out webforms.  Christian Mingle tells the story of shallow, paternalistic views on imagined white people problems amidst the backdrop of a storm-ravaged town in Mexico that just stays storm ravaged.

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If you'd like to hear more from Chelsea Davison, you can follow her on Twitter, or check out her website.

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Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from them, you can check out their Facebook Page.

Feb 2, 2016

In this week's episode, we polish off the grand finale of the WWJD trilogy with an installment that maintains the series' continuity by having nothing to do with the other ones, just like the sequel.  Dr. T joins us to recount a story of tragedy, heartache, and not hurting anyone.

If you'd like to follow Dr. T on Twitter, trust us, you'll just want to click here.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more check out their Facebook page.

Jan 26, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath break down the sequel to last week's homage to things happening randomly and in questionable focus; What Would Jesus Do 2: The Woodcarver.  This nearly impossible to properly punctuate sequel adds an Oscar eligible performance from Christian movie powerhouse John Ratzenberger, to answer the age old question of what gay GILF porn would look like if you took out all the sex.

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Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

Jan 19, 2016

This week we meet a drifter with a heart of gold and no idea how humanity works. In a small California town with a bafflingly robust homeless population, a Jesus analog enters the lives of six community theater rejects; leaving both the characters and the viewers pondering one simple question... WTF?  Or, as they titled their movie (based on the bracelet of the same name) What Would Jesus Do?

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Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from him, check out their Facebook Page.

If you'd like to hear more from Anna Phyllis Smith, you can check her website as well.

 

Jan 12, 2016

This week Eli, Noah, and Heath break down Little Boy, the true story of Jesus giving nuclear bomb powers to an 8 year old so that he could massacre Japanese civilians by the thousands during World War II.  Terrible apologetics, an awful portrayal of stage magicians, and a plot that forces him to repeatedly pronounce the world "nuclear" combine to create the perfect storm of misery for Eli.  And as if that's not enough, the movie also includes hate crimes committed without consequence.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook page.

Jan 5, 2016

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath tackle a movie about little girl who has the ability to cure cancer, AIDS, heart disease, and kidney failure, but instead uses it to cure hamsters with indigestion.  But when her atheist mother finds out, she puts a stop to all this magical altruism in a hurry in Heaven's Door.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from them, check out their Facebook page.

Dec 29, 2015

This week, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance join us to break down a tale of a live triangle between a woman, her rapist, and her stalker.  Join us as we see exactly how many offended emails a podcast can fit into a single inbox, as we tackle the most disturbing film we've encountered so far, Loving the Bad Man.

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Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from them, check out their Facebook Page.

Dec 22, 2015

This week comedian Rebecca Vigil joins Heath, Noah, and Eli to break down Christmas Angel, a movie that was just dissimilar enough from Touched by an Angel not to violate any copyrights.  Listen in as we move one depressing step closer to having seen Kevin Sorbo's entire filmography.

If you had as much fun with musical comedian Rebecca Vigil as much as we did, you should follow her on Twitter.

Our theme music was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from him, check out their Facebook page.

Dec 15, 2015

This week, Eli, Noah, and Heath break down Silver Bells, the story of a man whose competitive ways lead to criminal trouble when he accidentally hits somebody with a basketball just as all American jurisprudence disappears from the earth.  He's sentenced to Christianity, where he learns that winning isn't everything, and homeless people eat flour.

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Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  To hear more from them, check out their Facebook Page.

Dec 8, 2015

This week, Heath makes a triumphant return to welcome guest masochist Michael Marshall; Project Director of the Good Thinking Society, co-host of Skeptics with a K, and host of Be Reasonable.  Together, we take on What If…; the story of It’s a Wonderful Life, but in reverse.  We watch Kevin Sorbo turn from a successful, philanthropic, considerate investment banker, to a failed reverend in a termite infested church, thanks to a little bit of head trauma.

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If you’d like to hear more from Marsh, check him out on Skeptics with a K or Be Reasonable.  You can also learn more about the Good Thinking Society if you’d like.


Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more from him, you can check out the band’s Facebook page.

Dec 1, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli and Noah reach the belated end of the Thief in the Night quadrilogy with a story of fiction's tidiest nuclear disaster.  Join the petulant Christian, the sheep-haired 80s chick, the nuclear biologist, Jimmy the Mutant, and a sentient stocking full of mashed potatoes as they navigate the post-apocalyptic hellscape of radiation and helicopters.

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If you'd like to hear more from Evil Giraffes on Mars, check out their Facebook page.

If you'd like to hear more from Anna Phyllis Smith, check out her website.

Nov 24, 2015

This week Eli and Noah tackle the third film in the Thief in the Night series, Image of the Beast.  And as we descend further into hellscape of Russell S. Doughten's untreated mental illness, we find that computers are evil, Satan has a pretty good lawyer on retainer, and there will be locusts.  Glorious, glorious locusts.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook page.

Nov 17, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli and Noah tackle the second movie in the infamous A Thief in the Night series; A Distant Thunder.  This is the story of the all the stuff the girl dreamed about in the first movie happening in real life; which basically means it's the story of the first movie, but all the actors are six years older.  With a bold redefinition of cinematic insanity, this film more than lives up to its infamous reputation and includes one of the most disturbingly fanatical endings in the history of the moving picture.

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Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more of his music, check out their Facebook Page.

Nov 10, 2015

This week, Eli and Noah break down our most oft-requested film; A Thief in the Night.  This launches a three part (or possibly four part if we can take it) series on one of the a movie that's horrible production quality pales in comparison to it's psychological abuse of a moral.

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Our theme was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars, and was used with permission.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook page here.

The music for "I Hate This F*cking Movie" was performed by Anna Phyllis Smith, who you can hear more from on her website

Nov 3, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli and Noah tackle Redeemed, a movie about how thinking about having a platonic, purely conversational relationship with a person you aren't married to will destroy your marriage.

 

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.

Oct 27, 2015

This week, Eli and Noah break down The Lock In, a movie that carves out its own genre somewhere between "found footage horror", and "My bad, I thought I'd turned the camera off."  When three friends find a nudie magazine in a dumpster, it never occurs to them that it might be possessed by demons, because that would be insane.  But that's actually what happens in this vapid waste of pixels.

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The music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick.  If you'd like to hear more, check out his band, Evil Giraffes on Mars, on Facebook.

Oct 20, 2015

In this week's episode, comedian Micah Sherman joins us to break down a movie so jingoistic the American flags are made up of smaller American flags.  Last Ounce of Courage is a retelling of The Grinch That Stole Christmas from the point of view of the mayor of Whoville, a Vietnam veteran whose obsession with Jesus stems from untreated PTSD.

If you'd like to hear more from Micah, you can check him out HERE, or you can check out his comedy album here.

And if you'd like to hear more from our maestro, Ryan Slotnick, you can check out Evil Giraffes on Mars.

Special thanks for sound effects.

Oct 13, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath break down Catching Faith; a movie based on a Christian coloring book for grown-ups that revolves around a mother's tireless effort to snitch on her teenage son for drinking and destroy his football dreams in the process.  And it's as bad as that sounds.

And if you'd like to hear more from our maestro, Ryan Slotnick, check out Evil Giraffes on Mars's Facebook Page.

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